Thursday, February 1, 2007

On Bad Choices and Being an Idiot




Sometimes we wonder if we have made the right choices in our lives. And most of the time, we sadly resign to the belief that we have made great mistakes in choosing.

Ranging from simple things to meaningful and important matters, we oftentimes think we have not stepped the right foot forward.

"I should have done that, I shouldn’t have said that, I should have not…"

Remorse and regret? Yes. But the saddest thing is not having all these ugly feelings per se, but it is not being able to correct the things that we think we’ve done wrong because we believe that many things will be displaced and many people will get hurt along the way. We say that we just have to deal with it for the remaining of our pathetic lives, going through each day with that old same feeling of “I could have changed the way things are”.
We wonder if fate was with us. Or are we the sole entity to blame for our misery? We do not know. I do not know.

For sure I don’t.

I have prayed to God to greatly enlighten me over things. O, Lord, am I on the right track? Did I just do the right thing? Where am I headed with all these bad choices?

My life is a complete blunder. I’m not sure which things have been the right choices and even worse, if there was even a single right choice.

During our mentoring session in school, I was asked by my mentor to detail the career path I have in mind. What are my plans after school? What are my ultimate goals?

For a while, I couldn't mutter anything. Because nothing registered, not a vision or two. Nill.

And I gathered enough courage to reply to him "Sir, I don't really know." For sure I don't.

A complete realization then hit me. A revolting churn of the stomach that suddenly made me think what a complete idiot I am, not only in the eyes of my mentor, but also in my own views.

And where does this lead me, you might ask?

To my grassroots, I suppose. I think I need to appraise things, that I may hopefully see what is there to see. I need to go back to my core and ask my soul. This may not be easy, like taking an inventory in a Walmart store, without computers to do the counting. I'm now at the crossroads, as one friend would put it.

Probably at the end of all this, I can give my mentor a much better answer. And I can forget about the idiot that was me.